Midnight Therapy

I have insomnia for no sensible reason. As sleep deprived as I have been, due to the monstrous H1N1 outbreak in our home the last couple of weeks, you'd think sleep would come easily and swiftly!

After tossing and turning for a while, I found my mind racing and inevitably placing me on the proverbial couch with my imagination serving as the in-house therapist. Yes, I'm one of those over-analyzing people who probably examine things in life too much....though I contend that a good dose of self-inspection and reflection is healthy for the soul when channeled in the right direction.

For some time now I've known some things about myself...certain traits and thought processes that I've developed. I've noticed the wall of protection that I've put around myself and my heart, my hesitancy to trust people, my "short-suffering" (meaning the opposite of longsuffering) at times that causes me to just flat out wash my hands of people. While lying on said proverbial couch, I attempt to recall when these traits first surfaced. That doesn't require too much effort, as memory lane leads me backwards to my earliest days of adulthood...around 18, 19. Absolutely naive and filled with trust...until trust was shattered. Reality check....eyes opened to the "real" world, you know how it goes. I guess it happens for each of us at some point or another. My experience left me with deep wounds that have since healed, all but for the scars that inevitably remain in this fallen world. And as time has proven, with the ensuing years there's been the brick by brick assembly of the walls in attempt to prevent further hurts. Ironically, as impossible as it may sound given this description, my heart has remained tender and sensitive to the pain of others. Sometimes the grief that others are experiencing pierces my heart in joint agony and I wish so much that I could say or do something to ease their pain.

And I guess it's at that very point where God has begun to nudge...encouraging me to start somewhere again to rebuild a genuine love for people. And not just the ones who like me and affirm me. He's been working in me to nurture patience and longsuffering, to silence my sharpened tongue, and to learn His ways. I'm such a slow student...which brings to mind how longsuffering He is toward me. Derek referred me recently to a passage in Luke...with a stinging reminder to love our enemies....because God Himself is patient with ungrateful and evil men! Whew! Given that revelation, it leaves me little choice but to pursue His image and likeness towards others.

Well, perhaps I've spent enough time in therapy for one night, and sleep will be my friend.
Now, I wonder if I'll regret this act of transparency in the morning?

Blessings, peace, and sweet dreams.....

We Are Cathedrals

I heard a song a few days ago that I have not been able to get away from. It's a song called Cathedral Made Of People.

Here are the lyrics:

If they shut down the churches, where would you go?

If they melted all the stained-glass windows?

Replaced every sanctuary with a condo?

Where would you go? Where would you go?

We are a cathedral made of people

In a kingdom that the eye can't see

We're a house, we are the bride

Where God's Spirit lives inside

And nothing ever could stand against her

If they burned every Bible what would you know?

If they tore your marked-up pages how would you grow?

And declared your devotion to be criminal:

What would you know? What would you know?

When they throw you in prison what will you do?

When they hate you for the things that you know are true

They can tear down this temple, but they can't touch you.

We are a cathedral made of people
In a kingdom that the eye can't see
We're a house, we are the bride
Where God's Spirit lives inside
And nothing ever could stand against her

Growing up, I heard many stories of the persecuted church in the far-away places on the globe. I remember so vividly the tales of oppression and tyranny that came out of the underground Church in the former Soviet Union, and the stories of physical torment and torture endured by Believers in China. Is there anyone who didn't grow up hearing the story of the little village girl who wouldn't spit on the picture of Jesus, as the soldiers lined up all the church people to do just that? I wish I could better recall the details of that, but I surely heard it more than once as a child. How well I remember the uneasy feeling that story gave me, because I always wondered about myself and the strength of my faith and will.

Certainly the opportunities for international travel and short term missions work that were afforded to me gave me a better appreciation for the wealth and abundance that is known in the United States. Trips like that leave a deep impression on a person, particularly a young adult. Even still, it's difficult to fathom or imagine what our lives could potentially look like in the absence of such freedoms. There are some things that are just hard to prepare your mind or your thinking for.

I am not a conspiracy theorist, or a panic- inducing nut regarding the current state of affairs in our nation. I do confess that in recent months I have given more thought than usual to the evasive knowledge that things may not always be as they were or as they are. We have been in the process for some time now of relinquishing certain personal freedoms for the greater good (and I'm not entirely convinced that's always a bad thing), but what could be around the bend of the road does make me uncomfortable.

So I'm pondering the questions put forth in the song. I wonder what I would truly know if I were denied access to Scripture...that's such a convicting thought. And then I have to wonder, with a church building on nearly every corner of this town and so many towns across the nation, what would happen come Sunday morning if they were all gone? How would the Body of Christ make its presence known in this world? Would we know how to function without our traditions, our committees, our boards and trustees? If we couldn't complain about this little perceived infraction, or gossip about that person's business...would we suddenly turn our attention to the things that matter most? If we couldn't pat ourselves and each other on the back for our wonderful teaching and training, and pride ourselves on our close-knit "family" church atmosphere, would we in turn give a second thought to the inevitable plight of the lost around us?

I don't really know, and I don't think there's actually a way to predict how we would handle a little "persecution". True, there is the historicity of what happens to the Church during times of repression. Oh, how I hope we never have to grow that way! I hope that is never what it takes to refine us, here in this our Homeland!

Maybe it's time to read again after Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

Lord, make me a temple that is fit for Your dwelling. A Cathedral......

I miss blogging so much. Lately, I find myself stopping in here before I sign off the web just to "visit" and reminisce. Last week, I went into the archives and read old posts and comments, and enjoyed all over again the great discussions and "debate" that used to take place here.

I know at the time, blogging was still a new trend, and the re-connection that was taking place was unprecedented. Facebook has filled that reconnecting void for lots of people. Way more than blogging. But I still love blogging anyway.

There's been a serious case of writer's block around here.....found it hard to write about anything. I think the veil may be lifting though....and I hope to begin sharing some thoughts again. Not that you're waiting with bated breath or anything! It may just be more for my own sake.

For now, here's a quote from a book I was reading this morning: "God gets His best sailors from the roughest seas, and His fiercest soldiers from the toughest battles. God can use what you've experienced to bless others."

Blessings!

A Risky Muse on Mother's Day Sunday

This is going to sound a wee bit like a rant. And I wish there was a way to avoid that. I'd like to express some opinions, at the risk of controversy and sounding like a whiny baby.

I've observed something for a while now, on various days of distinction. But particularly on days like today: Mother's Day. We live in such an equalizing society...where everything has to be level and even, and we don't want to make anyone uncomfortable....ever. I hear that schools now often give "participation awards" rather than recognizing actual achievements made. We just throw everything into one big pot, stir it up and dole out equal portions to all. Society, I mean.

The church falls prey to this, too. Sometimes I think we should rename Mother's Day as "Female's Day". We're so afraid of somehow hurting somebody's feelings or leaving someone out, that we bend over backwards to honor females in general....and in the process, I think something very precious and valuable is lost. And that is the opportunity to actually give HONOR to the women who are MOTHERS!

I told you up front this was a risky post. I sure don't want to sound like I'm against honoring females....let's go for it! Let's honor everywhere everywhere at all times.......but on MOTHER'S
DAY let's try to remember to honor motherhood!!

While many people fill nurturing roles, and have "maternal" spirits, and all that is true, there is a unique intrinsic mystery that is part of the process of a journey in life called "motherhood". It can't be compared or lumped in with some other area or way of understanding. It is a great mystery and a great miracle to carry life within you....to do everything possible to bring that life safely into this world, to nurture, care for, and sustain that life that is utterly dependent on you. To constantly be on call 24 hrs a day for everything big and small.....to discipline, to train, to influence.....all of the things that we know Motherhood is and involves. Of course this includes adoptive Moms as well....even though that journey begins past the initial stages of life, once it's embarked upon it is a lifelong commitment and responsibility for those moms as well.

So I think that on Mother's Day, it should be about Mothers. Biological and Adoptive. But about Mothers. And Mothers only. Not women. Not men. Not society at large in it's "maternal" universe. About Moms.

And if that sounds whiny and ranty, then so be it. I guess since it's Mother's Day, I'll take the chance on being politically incorrect and hopefully getting a free pass!!!


To every Mother reading this.....I hope you manage to have a wonderful day that you can enjoy to the fullest. Don't beat yourself up for the areas where you lack. Be thankful for the fact that God trusted you enough to lend these souls into your care. Increase in your areas of strength, and know that with the dawning of each new day is a clean slate, and renewed mercies from above.


Now for my disclaimer: I think it is appropriate if people want to honor women in their lives who have been "like a mother" to them. I just think that should be an individual's decision. There are indeed some fantastic ladies out there who have played critical roles in the development of lives....even if they're not a mom. And if you have someone like that in your life, then by all means let that person know how much they mean to you!!! I just worry with it being corporately forced. I also want to point out, that sometimes when you just hand out Mother's Day flowers to everyone, even just newlywed girls for example, you do them the disservice of making the time when they actuallybecome a mother less special. If they take home a flower every Mother's Day, it devalues the flower received on the Sunday that they actually are a Mom for the first time. This is all just my two cents, worth nothing more I'm sure!

Disclaimer, Number Two: Another thing that is rarely talked about, but is very real, is that some people just don't have warm fuzzy feelings on Mother's Day at all. Maybe you got a bum rap in the Mother department and your Mom didn't do a very praise-worthy job as you were growing up. That is nothing for you to be ashamed of. That is your reality, and you have every right to own it. I don't think glowing, unrealistic tales of Motherhood do ANYONE a service on Mother's Day: whether you're one who didn't have a mom like that, or whether you yourself are not a mom like that! I don't think Mother's Day should be about honoring a fantasy or a fake angelic perception. It should simply be to give honor where honor is truly due. Again, each individual knows what that means for them. My thoughts here I guess were/are more directed at what is done as a corporate, public recognition of the holiday.

Whew! I'm done! :)

Another Day at the Gym

I start this post with a *sigh*. Can you hear it? I've done a lot of sigh-ing lately. I remember learning at some point in my journey that spiritual maturity is achieved through building spiritual "muscle". As with our physical bodies, muscle toning and building is never accomplished through easy means...so it is with our spiritual lives.

Though my physical body is in desperate need of it as well, it's my spiritual muscles that are being worked out and toned up these days. Self-control, humility, patience, slow to anger, slow to SPEAK......whew! It's exhausting! And I'm exhausted.

I have a long way to go toward Christian maturity. Thankful God's not finished with me yet.

Just sharing...

Every now and then, a song comes along that's just a classic testimony song. One that most Christians could identify with and consider one of "their" songs. The following is one of those for songs for me. It's been around for several years, but each time I hear it, it has the same effect. And the lyrics are beautifully enough put, that you can feel the heart of it, even if you've never heard the song. (though I highly recommend you look up Avalon and hear it if you haven't!)

Hope you enjoy.......


EVERYTHING TO ME
by Chad Cates and Sue Smith

I grew up in Sunday School
Memorized the Golden Rule,
and how Jesus came to set the sinner free.
I know the story inside out,
and I could tell you all about the path
That led Him up to Calvary.

But ask me why He loves me,
and I don't know what to say.
But I'll never be the same because
He changed my life when He became....

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history.
He's the air that I breathe,
the water I thirst for,
And the ground beneath my feet,
He's everything...
Everything to me.

We're living in uncertain times,
And more and more I find that I'm aware
Of just how fragile life can be.
I want to tell the world I've found
A love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see,

So now every day I'm praying,
Just to give my heart away
I want to live for Jesus
So that someone else might see that He is.....

EVERYTHING to me,
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history.
He's the air that I breathe, the water I thirst for
and the ground beneath my feet,
He's Everything......

And looking back over my life at the end, I want to meet You,
Saying you've been......

EVERYTHING to me.
More than a story,
more than words on a page of history
You're the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for,
and the ground beneath my feet,
You're Everything, Everything to me.

Learning to Trust

I just watched that movie, "Facing the Giants" for the first time this week. We've been down with the flu...I mean the bona-fide Influenza, strain A that doesn't respond to the meds, kinda flu. So there's been little of productive things going on around here.
But back to the movie....I'm not much of a sports fan, so I didn't watch it for any sports influence. But there was a greater message and symbolism that was trying to be conveyed, and THAT I was interested in. I shed my share of tears throughout (mostly b/c that's just my way!), but I also found myself a little annoyed (as can also be my way) that as these key characters prayed and trusted God more and more that more and more miracles just kept happening. Like every thing they asked for, hoped for, longed for just started coming their way. And I don't mean to sound harsh...I don't think the movie was actively seeking to promote a prosperity gospel.... And by the end, and during bonus features, I got the idea somewhere that it had been based on a true story. So, not sure about that, but it would certainly step it up a bit for me if that were true. "Facing the Giants" was definitely a story about trusting God.

I'm rambling, I know. Been away from Blogger too long. Bottom line, I did like the movie, and I was terribly impressed that a production of that magnitude could come simply from the desire of one church in one little town, to do something BIG for God. I think that's pretty cool. (and for those who don't know, these are the same people who brought us Fireproof).

There is a need in my life to get a firm grip on what it really means to trust God. Sometimes I'm amazed that after years in a Christian environment, Christian education, sitting under the sound of solid biblical teaching and preaching, knowing Godly people, that I could still struggle with such simple basic concepts. What does fully trusting God look like? What does it feel like? Or does it feel like anything at all?

So I'm doing the only thing I know to do when I'm earnestly seeking to cultivate a Christ-like trait, or be obedient to His desires. I'm telling him how much I want to trust him. Asking his Spirit to teach me. Praying for "grace to trust Him more". And keeping it foremost in my thinking and speaking until it becomes part of me. And then just looking for every opportunity presented to put my new "skill" to use. Maybe there's a better way, but I haven't figured it out yet.

Life is so complex at times, and the way it plays out doesn't often match (at least in our experience) the beautiful watercolor-like fantasies that have taken up residence in our minds for years on end. We may not know how to navigate the waters of this "new" picture, nor how to figure out where certain puzzle pieces fit. But if we can learn to Trust our Maker, the lover of our souls, who surely does know and understand...then maybe we can rise to our fullest potential in Him! Maybe we can face those giants.

So...these are my thoughts, poorly expressed at best, in an effort to reunite with Blogger. There are so many things rattling around in my mind and heart that I would love to blog about, but simply lack the skill to do it justice.

Blessings to any readers still out there! Be careful....it's probably dusty in here! :)

The Record of Another....

Yes, I know...this was supposed to be titled "First Days, Part Two". But those first days are hastening on rather quickly already, and all my thoughts of them seem a little like old news by now. Such as my thoughts on Rick Warren's Inaugural prayer, the inaugural events in general, Pres. Obama's lifting the ban on overseas federal funding for abortions, his pressure on the GOP to conform, and on and on. My heart is so heavy with concern over much of what I see and hear. Some of it I don't fully understand all the implications of, and as I try to seek out answers (for example on the stimulus package, or the U.N. Rights of a Child act that has the potential to affect all of us as parents and particularly homeschoolers), I find them so hard to come by.

More and more these days, I find my heart seeking after and panting for the Truth. Truth is not a passive, benign thing. It is fraught with gut-wrenching decisions about commitment... it sets captives free...it is so very Powerful. As Derek shared in his message a couple of weeks ago, Truth cannot be changed, but it has the potential and the power to change everything around it. In relation to current events, national and otherwise, I find myself preparing for the possibility that we as Believers may well have to examine and re-evaluate what we know to be true. What we are willing to lay our lives down for. But more likely, what we are willing to LIVE for, and stand for, and be ridiculed for, and look "foolish" for. I think there are only a few precious truths that are worthy of that sacrifice, and I hope to have the strength of character and courage of conviction to live my life that way, whether or not we are ever FORCED to choose.

We have enjoyed watching the new Gaither DVD releases the last couple of evenings. They feature a reunion of nearly all former members of the Vocal Band, and the singing is so uplifting. I found myself transported over and over again to different places in time (like my dorm room!), when I first heard some of the songs. Great memories. I have also been so intrigued to hear some of the men share testimonies of their personal journeys of faith. Someone who has always stood out as so much more than a performer, but really a sincere and effective communicator of the Christian life, is Steve Green. He has been somewhat absent from the stage in recent years, but what a powerful impact his music has had on many of our lives. Steve shared some thoughts that have just been ringing in my ears, and lingering in my mind. I could almost see the internal struggle he faced as other vocalists lifted him up, and placed him on a higher plain both musically and spiritually. By the end of the second video, before he sang "Find Us Faithful", he gave us a very personal look into his heart. I don't know if I can properly articulate it, but I will try, because I think it's valuable to hear.

He shared that for many years during his ministry he worked so hard to build and maintain an impressive record. He talked about memorizing the whole book of Romans, and that he told people it was to hide it in his heart. He talked of how his upbringing had conditioned him to view holiness as something that could be gauged by outward signs and keeping a list of rules. Absolutely he loved the Lord during this time, and wanted to please Him. But sometimes whether conscious or not, he was very concerned with "his record". What people thought of him. How he was viewed. What he achieved. With tears in his eyes, he told these other men that he came to a point where he realized that his own "impressive record" would NEVER be good enough. He had to have the record of Another...Jesus Christ the Righteous. And he's choosing to stand on Jesus' record...not his own.

I hope that my sharing these things with you doesn't cause you to somehow think less of Steve Green...that was NOT my intent! I felt myself completely understanding what he meant, and identifying in so many regards. How curious it is that regardless of church affiliation or background, or status, Satan still uses the same old trick he's been using for centuries. That old "take the mirror down and try to clean yourself with it" trick; I guess he uses it because it works. In our humanity, in our flesh, we suppose that it is easier to work and strive, follow rules XYZ, and clean up real good on the outside. Breaking up the fallow ground of the heart...surrendering thoughts, motives, intents, attitudes,....now that is hard work! But that's where the Spirit himself steps in to gently aid in the process, and create in us that which is real. That which is TRUE!

I'm so thankful we can all depend on the record of Another to speak for us. Aren't you?