I have insomnia for no sensible reason. As sleep deprived as I have been, due to the monstrous H1N1 outbreak in our home the last couple of weeks, you'd think sleep would come easily and swiftly!
After tossing and turning for a while, I found my mind racing and inevitably placing me on the proverbial couch with my imagination serving as the in-house therapist. Yes, I'm one of those over-analyzing people who probably examine things in life too much....though I contend that a good dose of self-inspection and reflection is healthy for the soul when channeled in the right direction.
For some time now I've known some things about myself...certain traits and thought processes that I've developed. I've noticed the wall of protection that I've put around myself and my heart, my hesitancy to trust people, my "short-suffering" (meaning the opposite of longsuffering) at times that causes me to just flat out wash my hands of people. While lying on said proverbial couch, I attempt to recall when these traits first surfaced. That doesn't require too much effort, as memory lane leads me backwards to my earliest days of adulthood...around 18, 19. Absolutely naive and filled with trust...until trust was shattered. Reality check....eyes opened to the "real" world, you know how it goes. I guess it happens for each of us at some point or another. My experience left me with deep wounds that have since healed, all but for the scars that inevitably remain in this fallen world. And as time has proven, with the ensuing years there's been the brick by brick assembly of the walls in attempt to prevent further hurts. Ironically, as impossible as it may sound given this description, my heart has remained tender and sensitive to the pain of others. Sometimes the grief that others are experiencing pierces my heart in joint agony and I wish so much that I could say or do something to ease their pain.
And I guess it's at that very point where God has begun to nudge...encouraging me to start somewhere again to rebuild a genuine love for people. And not just the ones who like me and affirm me. He's been working in me to nurture patience and longsuffering, to silence my sharpened tongue, and to learn His ways. I'm such a slow student...which brings to mind how longsuffering He is toward me. Derek referred me recently to a passage in Luke...with a stinging reminder to love our enemies....because God Himself is patient with ungrateful and evil men! Whew! Given that revelation, it leaves me little choice but to pursue His image and likeness towards others.
Well, perhaps I've spent enough time in therapy for one night, and sleep will be my friend.
Now, I wonder if I'll regret this act of transparency in the morning?
Blessings, peace, and sweet dreams.....